five fucking times oersted was unlucky as shit and one where he struck fucking gold

[himejoshiheart]

warning: piss jokes, sex jokes, and also akira bleeds out his nose lol
made forfandom_empire and also for the 4thewords weekly bingo

"Our gods have abandoned us!" Odio wailed. "The end of days is upon us!"

"Listen up, Mr. Medieval, not being able to open a peanut butter jar is not the end of the world." Akira said, before snagging the peanut butter jar from Odio's hands.

He closed his eyes and focused on popping the lid right off, only to collapse, blood flowing from his nose.

"THE GODS HAVE FORSAKEN US!" Odio yelled.

Akira accidentally hit the TV remote, powering on the TV, as he tried in vain to open the peanut butter jar.

"The peanut butter factory has apparently superglued one jar shut. Just one jar. Literally one jar. What a surprise!" The newscaster said, her voice as cheery as ever. "If you're unlucky enough to have bought the one jar that was superglued shut with glue so strong that even The Mecha Psychic Akira Tadokoro, the guy who plioted a mech using his own psychic powers just to punch a statue in the face, would most likely bleed out his nose trying to open it, then you can just throw it out the window and consider your money a donation so that nobody else would have to handle the hell that is this jar!"

"Oh, COME ON!" Akira yelled.

"FORSAKEN!"

"Please keep an eye on this gem, Your Highness." The lady spoke, placing it in Knight's hands. "It hosts a terrible spirit inside, and if it ever is to touch urine, it would crack immediately."

"Alright."

The lady ran over to the bathroom as Knight started at the glass gem that held a purple flame within it. 

"This should be easy-"

He was interrupted by the interrupting banana peel that was inconveniently placed near his feet, where he proceeded to slip and fall on it, tossing the gemstone into the air.

FUCK

"THE GODS HATH FORSAKEN US YET AGAIN-"

SHUT UP ODIO WE CAN SAVE THIS-

Knight landed on his ass. The gemstone landed on his foot, and Knight instinctively kicked it into the air.

FUCK

Knight pushed himself off the ground and looked for the gemstone.

Luckily, it was still unharmed.

"I think I'll just place this on a desk or something." 

Sadly, the first desk Knight saw had a thin layer of dog piss over it, which he didn't notice until he placed the gemstone down and it began to crack.

"Fuck."

The purple flame grew larger as the gemstone cracked, until it began leaking out and the gemstone fell into pieces entirely.

The flame formed the shape of a spirit, and Knight gulped.

"I AM THE PISS YOURSELF DEMON!" The spirit bellowed. "I SHALL MAKE ALL OF LUCRETIA PISS THEMSELVES AS PAYBACK FOR WHAT THEY'VE DONE!"

"Your highness, you had one job!" The lady yelled, running into the scene. "Fix this, now!"

"How?!?"

"For starters, the spell needs someone to be a funnel for all of the demon's 'Piss Self' magic..."

"FORSAKEN!"

Duskie was having a really shitty day today.

For starters, he peed himself in his sleep (which Knight apologized to him for, for some reason.) and got some on Sundown, which was mega ultra embarrassing and caused him to eat grass for an hour to cool off.

Second, they were out of peanut butter because it turns out that the last jar just so happened to have been superglued shut by accident and that's why Akira beat the shit out of a bunch of Crusaders with it yesterday and got blood all over it and they had to throw it away.

Third, well...

"FORSAKEN, I SAY!" Odio wailed in Duskie's head.

"it's just borked, dumb fuck." Knight bonked Odio on the head.

The arcade's gemstone claw machine was currently out of order, to the unluck of Duskie, who was currently bawling like a baby.

"It's not fair!" Tears flew out of his eyes as he spoke. "I was looking forward to playing you so much today!" He banged on the glass of the vending machine.

"Kid, they're taking that down from lack of use." A passerby said. "You're the only one who plays it."

Duskie collapsed to the floor from a broken heart and took 100d6 psychic damage.

"Behold, a spirit I have captured from distant lands."

"And what may this be, perchance? The spirit that causes thee to void thy bowels?"

"What? Oh, wait." The lady, not to be confused with that other lady, chuckled. "You're the guy that had to piss himself, right?"

"motherfucker"

The gods hath forsaken us yet again!

"can u pls shut up im trying to play despacito in here"

"Do not worry, there's only one way to free this spirit." She said, handing Odio the glass gemstone that had a red flame inside of it. "First, it must be handed freely to a left-handed transgender demon king with red eyes."

Odio, a left-handed transgender demon king with red eyes, watched as the first crack appeared on the surface of the gemstone, and placed it down on the table.

"Next, it must be placed down on a surface within the king's domain, where the half moon's light strikes it merely a few seconds later."

Odio looked at the night sky. A half-moon glowed in the blackness. Odio turned to look at the gem. A second crack was there.

"We should probably pick it back up again before we accidentally free this fucking thing."

The lady continued to speak as Odio picked the gemstone back up. "Third, the king's relatives, such as a brother or uncle, must order the king to pick the gemstone back up, and he must do so." Odio watched as a third crack formed.

"fuck"

Odio handed the gemstone back to the lady, and she took it, not noticing that it had three cracks already on it.

"Last, the person who handed the gemstone freely must be handed it back freely." She spoke, and Odio watched as the final crack formed. "Then, they must place it close to their chest like this, and if all is done correctly then they and the spirit inside will swap plac- AH!"

Odio watched as the red flame spilled out of the gemstone and consumed her, filling the place with a red fog.

"fuckkkkkkk"

The fog cleared, and what appeared to be a scantly clad woman with large breasts stood in the lady's place, holding the gemstone- now repaired, with an orange flame inside of it.

"I cast upon thee..." She smirked, and pointed at Odio. "THE CURSE OF BLUE YOUR BALLS!!!!"

"How do you cure a curse?" Knight asked.

"Depends on the curse." Said the healer.

"... I got cursed with blueballs. I can't cum."

"From who?"

"A spirit with titties that had ridiculous unsealing requirements that somehow happened by accident."

The sound of flipping pages filled the air.

"... This is gonna be a whoozy." Said the healer. "Says here you have to strip in front of a demon, then jump off a cliff or other high space into a pond or public bath or whatever that's treated with this mix of herbs that's too long to list and I don't even recognize half these names, and then you have to be seen by at least ten naked strangers and then you'll feel the curse grow wings and fly off like an angel and you'll be free."

"... Motherfucker..."

"FORSAKEN, I SAY!"

"... Can you check for another way out?" Knight asked.

"Alright, alright, lemme see." The healer reread the pages. "Says there that... you've gonna go to a distant land first."

Knight sighed. "Guess I'll never cum again."

"So, sir, tell me, why are you buying all these bath bombs if not to gobble them up?"

"Because I found this pond out in the middle of nowhere and I wanna go skinny dipping!" Duskie yelled. "And I wanna do it with a thousand bath bombs in the pond!"

"Alright."

After having bought the bath bombs, Duskie ran over to the pond immediately, set the bath bombs down, and started to strip.

"And.... Done!" It was at this moment he noticed a demon watching him. "Oh, sorry!"

"It's alright." Buns waved at him. "Some guy's junk isn't the worst thing I've seen while on a walk."

Duskie then picked his bath bombs back up and ran up a small hill nearby the pond. 

He sat down and started unwrapping the bath bombs and tossing them in, before getting an idea.

That idea involved him standing back up and chucking them at the pond, until there was just one left.

Duskie then grabbed it, unwrapped it, and jumped.

"COWABUNGA!" Duskie yelled, tossing the bath bomb downwards, and then fell into the pond. "Yippee!" Duskie smiled. "bath bom" 

Just then, a group of exactly ten naked strangers walked in. "Hey, that's our secret nudist pond!" For some reason, Duskie felt a heavy burden grow wings and fly right off of his vagina.

"HEY little guy, nice bath bombs!" One stranger said. "We're making burgers! It's an all you can eat buffet!"

"Here you go, little dude!" Another stranger handed Duskie a burger, and Duskie took and ate it immediately.

It was a good night.